Greetings Earthlings,
Your Reviewer Number 2 here, with our new feature 'WUT ARE DEM TALKING EQUINES DOIN'?' anti-review.
I say 'anti' because if you are looking for a serious, thoughtful review, scroll down amigos, scroll down.
If you are, on the other hoof, looking for something sillier, stay with me on this crazy train to Ponyville, as we focus our beady, overly-sparkly, sometimes even seizure-inducing pony eyes on this week's episode, 'Twilight Time'.
First of all, someone should lend those silly fillies a Mean Girls dvd, as all this hullabaloo would be avoided if they just understood one simple truth: Its Cool to be Uncool. If you're cool with being uncool, then you're automatically cool. You're welcome for the life-changing advice, bronies.
But since the insecure trio missed that particular lesson in school, they embark on an embarrassing Popularity Goose-chase. (lol, Popularity Goose sounds like a Hasbro villain. He wears glasses, skinny jeans and a fedora. He will wink at you and call you 'baby'. So villainous.)
Next up, some pretty grievous assaults on senior citizens:
Your Reviewer Number 2 here, with our new feature 'WUT ARE DEM TALKING EQUINES DOIN'?' anti-review.
I say 'anti' because if you are looking for a serious, thoughtful review, scroll down amigos, scroll down.
If you are, on the other hoof, looking for something sillier, stay with me on this crazy train to Ponyville, as we focus our beady, overly-sparkly, sometimes even seizure-inducing pony eyes on this week's episode, 'Twilight Time'.
First of all, someone should lend those silly fillies a Mean Girls dvd, as all this hullabaloo would be avoided if they just understood one simple truth: Its Cool to be Uncool. If you're cool with being uncool, then you're automatically cool. You're welcome for the life-changing advice, bronies.
But since the insecure trio missed that particular lesson in school, they embark on an embarrassing Popularity Goose-chase. (lol, Popularity Goose sounds like a Hasbro villain. He wears glasses, skinny jeans and a fedora. He will wink at you and call you 'baby'. So villainous.)
Next up, some pretty grievous assaults on senior citizens:
Not cool, Snobby Princess-lookalike Pony, not cool. Hope you are aware that causing bodily harm and exploiting a senior citizen is considered a third degree felony, Diamond Tiara. But judging by the gleeful reaction of her pony-peeps, I'm guessing the law on that account is different in Equestria, so you old farts better watch out (I'm looking at you, Granny Smith!)
Borderline behaviour is also spotted in Sweetie Belle, when she engages in a sociopathic daydream featuring levitating Diamond Tiara against her will, and twirling her around at a vomit-inducing pace, while gleefully-evil onlookers laugh. I'm sensing that Diamond Tiara and Sweetie Belle have a lot more in common than we think- take even their colour hues, for example. They are so similar they could be cousins, if not sisters! Then there is their apparent sociopathic lust for popularity. And their sweet frou-frou styling. Need I go on? All hail conspiracy theories! Maybe Rarity's and Sweetie Belle's mother had a secret love child? In her appearance in 'Sisterhooves Social', she seems appropriately pink-looking to pass off as Diamond Tiara's mum:
Should we be expecting a tearful family reunion between the two sisters separated at birth anytime soon?
Talking about illegitimate children, is that Cheese Sandwich's long lost son?!
Somepony give that crazy dairy product-named equine a call, so he can pick up his abandoned son! Look at how sad this little guy looks! For shame Cheese Sandwich, for shame!
Moving on, the Trio proceed with their plan to win the hearts of their fellow midget ponies, and go on to devise a plan to ambush Twilight, a plan that probably comes directly out of the Stalker Book. ("There's a stalker book?" you ask? Yes, yes there is. Available on Amazon, just £5.99! Order now!)
Once the Cutie Mark Invaders get Twilight into the Pony McDonalds (which serves hayburgers instead of beefburgers- an wise decision, because otherwise it would cause a monumental scandal in the neighbouring bovine community...ponies eating cows? ugh, this isn't Hannibal after all!)
We then witness the true face of Princess Twilight, no, strike that, the true face of all Young Adults. Yes, my darling teen readers, once you outgrow that wide-eyed teenage insecurity, and enter your early 20's, this is the un-airbrushed reality:
When you're a young, single pony, living on your own in a hollowed out tree with a tubby man-child dragon roommate, your happiest moment in life is when a bunch of school-ponies invite you out for a burger or two (or four...). You don't care that you're a princess. Or that you have two ketchup stains on your cheeks (Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelli- oh nope, that's ketchup...). Or that the pony-dude sitting behind you is staring at you like you're a threat to society. Oh well.
What? You're saying you will never become the sad slob who has a love affair with a burger? What, you will always be the sophisticated filly, limiting yourself to only ONE burger, and wiping off that rogue ketchup with a napkin and NOT another burger? I bet they are thinking so too:
Just you wait, little fillies, just you wait...
After that, Twilight survives a brief attack of zombie-like midget ponies, we are made to endure Pip's annoying British accent, and witness the Cutie Mark Crusaders' swift rise to fame and popularity. But the higher the rise, the longer the fall, duum-duuum-duuummm. And the bigger the magic apple explosion. Poor Spike, no doubt he was the one who had to clean up the disgusting mess, as well as cook a mountain of nachos. Cheap labour? Exploitation of basic dragon rights? You bet! Poor poor Spike, not only Friend-Zoned by Rarity, but also Butler-Zoned by Twilight...
Once the Trio's plan for popularity fails, and the midget mob have nothing else to be entertained with, they are left to guilt their way back into Twilight's good books. Take notes, little bug-eyed extortionists: as long as you fix a scooter (a stolen scooter that you intentionally smashed), magically grow a flower, and miraculously make it fly and stick in your victims hair, you will be instantly forgiven.
Because that, you weirdos, is the magic of friendship.
The End!
P.S
As we have already extensively touched upon the theme of secret love-children, here is one last example to tickle your fancy:
Ever sit on a boring gloomy day and wonder: What would happen if J. Bieber and One Direction's H. Styles would have a pony-child? You haven't? You liar! We all have! And now, *drum roll and cannons* we can finally be at peace, because here he is, complete with swoopy hair and British accent:
Yes, Apple Blossom, you can punch him. I know you want to. We all do.
Peace out, losers
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